Stomp My Boots (Before I Go Back In)
by Fenice158
Summary: Set at the beginning of season 3. After what he did as a zombie, Nick feels like everyone would be better off without him and wishes he had never been born. Will he change his mind after seeing what happened to the ones he loves without him? [Inspired by a prompt that wanted to see Nick in the role of George Bailey from It's a Wonderful Life; Nick/Monroe]


Nick sat watching the water flow by. He wasn't sure what had brought him there. He just drove around, looking for a place where he could be alone with his thoughts. After a while of staring at the river from the inside of his car, he had gotten out and sat on the river bank. He didn't know how long he'd been there, but it didn't matter.

He couldn't get the images out of his mind. Now that he was remembering, he couldn't stop seeing them. Fighting those people in the bar. The man that had died going down. Terrorizing that family. Fighting Monroe and Hank. Hitting Juliette. He squeezed his eyes, willing the memories away. He had hurt the people he most cared about.

It dawned on him that it wasn't even the first time, just the last on a long list of examples of how he had wrecked their lives. He and Juliette had broken up but it was too late. She had already suffered a lot and now that she knew about him she was still in danger. Monroe had been put in danger because of Nick more times than he could count. Hank had been Adalind's target only because of Nick, just like Juliette. As for Rosalee, meeting Nick had completely derailed her life, so much so that she had never moved back to Seattle. Wu had suffered the consequences of having a Grimm for a colleague, too. Even the Captain, whose motivations were still a bit of a mystery to Nick, had put himself on the line more than once for Nick.

When he stopped to think about it, he realized that having him in their lives had changed their existences for the worse. He finally understood why his mother lived the life she did. No family, no friends, no colleagues. No one who could be accidentally caught in the crossfire. Travelling the world killing one Wesen after another and moving on. Aunt Marie had tried to warn him about it. He wished he had listened, but it was too late now. He had done too much damage already.

A noise from the trees behind him suddenly attracted his attention. He turned around, expecting some kind of bird or animal to be the cause of it, but he noticed a figure slipping back into the darkness, as if hiding from him. It was clearly two-legged and very much human. Even when his mind was in such a dark place, his body reacted with the instinct of a police officer, hand going for the gun, legs moving to stand up before he consciously made the choice. He followed silently after the shadow, his ears perking to the smallest sound. When he was enveloped in silence he knew something was definitely wrong. He turned around, looking for any clue as to where the figure had disappeared. The last thing he saw was a purple cloud flying towards his face.

**~:~**

"I've gotta say, I never pegged you for the suicidal type."

Nick looked up, "Monroe? When did you get here?"

Monroe was standing right next to him, looking perfectly at ease, "I don't mean to assume, but you're sitting alone by the river and looking pretty desperate. It's not a happy picture."

Nick frowned. Yes, he had been sitting there, thinking of everything that had happened and how badly he had screwed up. He thought there was something else, too, something that had happened that he should tell Monroe about, but he couldn't remember what it was. "I'm not happy," he said, looking down at the water.

"Why?"

"_Because_…" he started with emphasis, as if the source of his unhappiness was self-evident. So obvious as to almost have a physical presence, making it impossible to ignore. "I screwed up. I should have done what my aunt said. I should have broken up with Juliette when all this started," he waved vaguely in the air, words flowing out in a rush, "I should have never gotten you or anyone else involved. Look at what I did! I hurt my friends!"

"So what you're saying is, you shouldn't have friends?" Monroe asked, looking at Nick as if he thought he was being ridiculous.

Nick's shoulders sagged, "That's part of what I'm saying. I wish I could go back and change things. I wish…"

"What?"

"I don't know… right now, I feel like everything would have been better if I hadn't been born at all. My mother would have never had to go into hiding to protect me. Everybody would have lived a quiet, happy life if they hadn't met me."

Monroe crouched down next to him, "So you wish you hadn't been born?"

Nick hesitated only briefly before nodding.

"Done."

Nick's head whipped to the side to look at him, "What?"

"It's done. You were never born. Enjoy not living!" Monroe said with a smile.

Feeling suddenly shaky, Nick got up on his feet. "What are you talking about?" he asked before noticing his car wasn't where he'd left it. "Where's my car?"

"You never had one, because you were never born," Monroe replied. He shrugged, hands rising with his palms up like it was something obvious and there was nothing to be done about it.

"Look, if this is a joke of some kind… I'm not in the mood. So stop it." He walked away from Monroe, looking for his car. When he turned back to him, his eyes were narrowed in suspicion. "Where's _your_ car? And how did you find me?"

"First, I don't need one and second, I'm your guardian angel so I'm sort of wired to find you."

Nick gaped at him, obviously thinking Monroe had gone crazy. Monroe held up his hands. "Don't look at me like _I'm_ the crazy one. _You_ cast me in this role. This is your thing, I'm just playing along."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

Monroe continued as if Nick hadn't spoken at all, "I don't know what you were thinking, picking a Blutbad as your guardian angel, but at least I'm not a Jinnamuru Xunte, right? That would have been_ painful_… and kind of gross."

Nick reached for his gun, but it wasn't there. Alarmed, he checked all his pockets, realizing his wallet, keys, phone and badge were missing too.

"I don't understand," Nick murmured under his breath, a spike of fear cursing through him that he desperately repressed. He had gotten good at repressing things the last two years.

Monroe cocked his head to the side and looked at him with what could only be compassion in his eyes, "You got your wish, Nick. You were never born," he explained calmly, "Do you want to see?"

"See what?" Nick asked, hating himself for the slight tremor in his voice.

"You touched many lives, Nick. As a person and as a cop, but especially as a Grimm, because you were so _different_. Do you want to see what happened to all the people who never met you?"

"I'm sure they're much happier," Nick said bitterly.

"Then seeing them should give you peace of mind, right?"

Nick didn't even know if he believed any of this, but a part of him burned with the desire for it to be true. All those people were finally safe without him. Could it really be true? He looked at Monroe but couldn't bring himself to speak, so he just nodded.

Monroe walked closer to him and gently grabbed Nick's wrist, "Let's go then."

Suddenly they weren't at the river anymore but in front of Nick's house. Nick was paralyzed in shock for a moment but when he turned back to Monroe he was clearly angry.

"What did you do? And who are you really?" He wished for his gun or any of the weapons in Aunt Marie's trailer. He felt scared and defenseless like he had never felt with Monroe. He found it was a particularly awful feeling when in the presence of someone who looked exactly like the person he trusted most.

Monroe held up his hands in a placating gesture, "It's me, Monroe. See?" he woged briefly to show him, "Same old wolf-y me. Things just work a little bit differently now that you're… well, _unborn_ and I'm doubling as a guardian angel."

Something settled inside Nick. He knew that face. Monroe thought he was so scary when he woged and he _was_, but even in those red eyes all Nick could see was his friend and he'd never be afraid of him.

"This is my house."

"Not anymore. Or not ever, actually," Monroe corrected, "It's Juliette's house."

Right at that moment the front door opened and Juliette stepped out. She was wearing a green coat, knee-high boots and a white scarf around her neck. She had a bag slung over one shoulder, keys in one hand and in the other…

"She has a kid?" Nick asked in a surprised murmur as a small boy, about three years old, walked out of the house holding tightly to his mother's hand. He was bundled up in a grey parka and a wisp of red hair peaked from under his white and blue striped hat.

Monroe smiled, watching the two of them walk down the steps. "Joshua. He'll be four this year."

Nick watched Juliette closely as she passed by them without seeing them. Her hair was shorter now, cut just above he shoulders but she was as beautiful as always. Her smile was blinding when she looked at her son.

"I'm so happy she has a normal, happy life now." And he truly was. He felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He remembered clearly the night she had told him, crying, that she loved him but couldn't live _that life_, couldn't bear the thought of having kids that might have to bear the same responsibilities and face the same risks he did. The way she had begged for forgiveness still haunted him. Despite everything she had promised him his friendship and had kept that promise despite the initial awkwardness and hurt feelings, even coming to his rescue when he had been turned into a zombie. He was so happy that she never had to live through all that.

"Is she married? Who's the father?"

Monroe made a face, "Well… obviously she never met you, so she met some other guy, who wasn't much of a family man. He left her when she got pregnant, gave up his rights and everything. It was hard at first, but her friends helped her and she was really happy to be a mom. She's okay now. I'd say she's really happy."

"She looks happy." Nick said, looking at her down the sidewalk. Joshua was in her arms now and she threw her head back, laughing at something. Nick turned to Monroe, his eyes shining, "I was right. Can you show me someone else? Hank? Rosalee?"

Monroe narrowed his eyes at him, then shrugged, "Sure. Why not?" he grabbed Nick's wrist again and in the blink of an eye they were inside Rosalee's shop. She was arguing with someone in the back room and it was obvious she was being threatened. Nick immediately stepped forward to intervene but Monroe grabbed his arm, "Hold up, cowboy. You don't exist, remember? Can't do anything about it."

"Then you do something! She's your friend too!"

Monroe looked wistful as he said, "Not in this reality."

"Why not?"

"We never would have met without you, so we didn't. Is it really so hard to grasp that you were never born? It was _your_ wish after all."

The man Rosalee had been arguing with chose that moment to issue a final threat, to which Rosalee reacted by stepping back and murmuring something Nick couldn't quite catch. The man walked out, grabbing something from one of the shelves as he passed without paying for it. As soon as the door closed shut behind him Rosalee sighed and dropped onto a stool at her work bench. She caught her head between her hands and squeezed her eyes shut. Nick stepped closer to her, wishing he could comfort her in some way. She wasn't crying, but the amount of pain etched in the lines of her face was even worse than tears.

"What happened to her?"

"She came here when her brother was murdered and stayed hoping the police would find something. They didn't. She was attacked twice and since you weren't here to help her she had to offer her collaboration in exchange for her safety."

"So she got mixed up with Wesen drug dealers?"

Monroe nodded sadly.

"Why didn't she tell the police? Hank must have been on the case! He would have helped her!"

"He wasn't. And you know she couldn't have told the police anything without lying about almost everything. What would have been the point of that?"

Nick was speechless. The bubble of happiness that had enveloped him when he saw Juliette had disappeared, leaving him empty and sad. He watched Rosalee stand up and walk down the stairs to the basement. He noticed she was limping.

Monroe filled in the blanks for him, "She blew her knee the second time she was assaulted and never completely recovered. She's probably going down to smoke something."

Nick whirled around, suddenly angry, "But she'd been clean for years!"

Monroe looked at him gravely, "Different reality," was all he said.

Nick started shaking his head, "This can't be. She was supposed to be fine! Why wasn't Hank on her brother's case?"

"That's a different story."

"Then tell me!"

"I'll show you." The shop disappeared, replaced by open hair and a green field with trees on one side.

Nick looked around, slowly realizing where they were and what it could mean. He looked down, dread creeping up his spine. At his feet there was a tombstone that read 'Hank Griffin' in awfully stark letters.

Nick stepped back and almost fell when he hit another tombstone with his foot. "No!" he shouted, then pointed to Monroe as if accusing him, "He was supposed to be safe!"

"He wasn't," Monroe replied angrily, "Not without you at his side. Not when that Siegbarste came back to get his revenge!" he pointed at Hank's tombstone as he yelled the last two words. "Want to see something else that won't be fun?"

As their surroundings changed again and became Juliette's kitchen Nick felt fear rising inside him once more.

"This is a few years in the future," Monroe informed him.

Juliette was grabbing two plates from the counter and calling, "Joshua! Dinner's ready!"

The kid, now about thirteen years old, came running down the stairs and into the kitchen.

"I'm so hungry!"

Juliette smiled and turned to look at him just as Joshua's face shifted and she screamed, dropping the plates on the floor.

"Mom?" Joshua stepped closer, his hands reaching for his mother, "Are you okay?" he was clearly worried.

Juliette stared at him, mouth agape for a minute before finding her words, "Nothing. I thought I saw… nothing. I'm okay."

Nick's jaw had dropped too, "Did he just woge?!"

"Oh yes, he did. That's one little thing her baby daddy forgot to mention before he abandoned them. He was a Fuchsbau as you've probably guessed by now. Want to stay and see how _well_ they'll handle this?" Monroe asked sarcastically just as a million horrible scenarios started playing inside Nick's head.

Nick shook his head, resting his hands on the kitchen counter and hanging his head as an awkward silence dropped between Juliette, who was clearly shaken, and her son. When Nick turned around to look at Monroe his expression was sad and determined at the same time.

"What about you?"

"I thought you didn't care." Monroe replied morosely.

"You know that's not true."

"Do I? You did wish you were never born after all."

"Show me."

Monroe nodded and just like that they were outside his house. The place looked just like it did the last time Nick had been there, except for one thing.

"Who's that?" Nick asked, gesturing to the older man sitting on Monroe's front steps.

"That's my dad. Too bad you never got to meet him, that would have been pretty epic," He said that with a wolfish smile.

"Where are you?"

Monroe shrugged, "Somewhere."

Nick frowned, "Surely without me wrecking it you went on living your quiet happy life of Pilates and cello rehearsals?"

Monroe stared at his dad, "I did. At least until Angelina came back and Hap was killed in my house," Monroe paused briefly at Nick's sharp intake of breath. "Then Angelina was killed too and I went after the Bauerschwein who did it," He turned his head to look Nick in the eyes, "He shot me," He watched Nick pale at the words, but continued, "I'm not proud to say I managed to slash his throat before running into the forest to die."

"Monroe…" Nick's voice was breaking.

"My body was never found, but I am presumed dead," Monroe went on, "Every Monday my mom comes to my house and cleans it as if I'm just out of town for a while. Every Friday my dad comes here and sits on the steps as if I'm coming home any minute now. They don't tell each other but I'm pretty sure they both know what the other's doing. They'll probably never know the truth and I'll never get a proper burial."

Nick was barely holding back tears now, breathing heavily and feeling like he was being drowned.

"You may have 'wrecked my life' as you say, but you also saved it, in more ways than you know."

"I never wanted this… I just wanted people not to suffer because of me. I brought so much pain to all of you…"

"What about all the hope and joy? What about all the help you provided? What about the lives you changed for _the better_? What do you think happened to Roddy or Holly without you? And those are just two examples out of a long list!"

Nick shook his head furiously, "I don't want this. I want my life back! Monroe, please, I was an idiot. I want to live. I want everything to go back to how it was! I can live with that but I can't live with this!"

Monroe smiled at him, "All you had to do was ask."

**~:~**

When Nick opened his eyes he was laying down in the grass, the sky had gotten dark and the quiet rumble of the river filled his ears. He slowly got up, giving himself a minute to collect himself when the world span around him. He looked around. His car was where he had left it and when he checked his pockets he found his keys and wallet. Badge and gun were back in their rightful places too. Had it been all a dream? A nightmare was more like it, the worst he had ever had. He remembered something though, a purple cloud enveloping him. Had it been some kind of trick? Maybe some kind of Wesen he didn't know or a Hexenbiest? He thought of la Llorona and realized it could have been pretty much anything. His life had gotten so weird in the past two years and as much as it hurt him and often hurt the people he cared most about, he knew deep down that he was on the right path. Even if it was just a dream, Nick knew those things could have easily happened had he not been there and that was all the proof he needed. He had done some good and that was all he could ask for.

Something caught his eye, a flash of light in the woods, followed by a familiar voice shouting, "Nick!"

"Monroe?" Nick asked, voice too low to be heard after a prolonged lack of use. He tried again, "Monroe!"

That was all the Blutbad needed to rush out of the woods and run towards Nick, "I've been looking for you for hours!" he reached his friend, arms opening wide, demanding an explanation, "What happened?"

Nick smiled widely at the sight of him and instead of answering, he stepped closer and hugged him. "I'm so glad to see you."

"Uhm," Monroe awkwardly hugged him back, confused by Nick's behavior, "Are you okay?"

Nick reluctantly let him go, "I'm fine. Everybody's all right? Hank, Rosalee?"

Monroe looked baffled, "They're fine. I spoke with Hank about three hours ago when you hadn't come home. He tracked down your phone and told me where to look. I should probably call him and tell him I found you before he gets worried and sends a SWAT team looking for us," He barely breathed as he continued in full rambling mode, "I saw Rosalee for lunch, we commiserated together about weird customers and she confirmed she's coming to dinner on Saturday."

"What about Juliette?"

"I told you yesterday she's coming too. It's not that surprising really, we've been doing it _every_ Saturday lately. Hank said he's hosting next."

"Good. Good," Nick let out a relieved breath.

"Nick, what's going on? Why were you here? Because let me tell you, this is a pretty depressing picture."

"I was… upset. And then I think something may have drugged me because I saw a purple cloud and blacked out or fell asleep, I'm not sure."

Monroe's eyebrows shot up, "Who did you piss off this time?"

"I don't know and I don't care because I learned something."

Monroe looked even more puzzled now, "That you're crazy?"

"Maybe," Nick grabbed his arms to catch his full attention, "Listen, I'm sorry I wrecked your life. I know I caused you a lot of trouble and I hate putting you in danger-"

"Wrecked my life?" Monroe interrupted, "You didn't… I mean, maybe at first I thought you were kind of annoying, but then I got to know you and you're not _that bad_. I like you now, _obviously_ since we're even living together! You're one of a kind, you know, a one man revolution and I like that I get to help you with that. It makes for a much more interesting life. Really, I've never been happier!" he exclaimed and then looked shifty, as if he thought he'd said the wrong thing.

Nick smiled, a hint of smugness to it, "That's good, because I wouldn't change it for anything," he leaned in then and kissed Monroe on the lips.

When he drew back, they looked at each other for a moment, then Monroe said, "You know that's not going to scare me away either, right?"

Nick smiled again, "That's what I was hoping you'd say."


End file.
